Making space for grief: Navigating loss over the holidays

The holidays can be particularly painful for those mourning the loss of a loved one. While it may seem like the whole world is celebrating with hope and joy, those grieving may instead be reeling from a deeply impactful loss.

Whether the loss is recent or long-standing, the holidays can prompt a flood of memories about that person and the experiences shared with them. Anticipating and processing these recollections, along with the powerful emotions they evoke, can lead to anxiety and sadness for those who are grieving.

Additionally, the sharp awareness of loss can, and inevitably will, hit grievers unexpectedly and often inconveniently. Isolation and withdrawal from family and social circles may naturally seem easier than publicly navigating grief.

Kelly Grosklags is a Minneapolis therapist and grief counselor dedicated to minimizing suffering through her work in oncology, palliative care and hospice. She is also the author of two books, including the recently published, “When Love Meets Grief: A Grief Therapist’s Reflections from the Bedside and Beyond.” She hosts a website, Conversations With Kelly, which offers resources to those navigating grief. For the past seven years, she has been on the advisory board of Eden Prairie-based Brighter Days Family Grief Center.

Grosklags said her life’s work has been motivated by her own childhood loss: her mother, Sandy Tremonte, suffered a cardiac arrest while they were shopping and died three months later when Grosklags was 11 years old.

Grosklags said she feels deep empathy for those grieving during the holidays, especially as they face the challenge of celebrating without their loved ones.

“I see a lot of dread ahead of Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Year’s,” she said. “Part of the dread is because of the expectations we place on ourselves that we have to hold it together. The anticipation is so hard, sometimes harder than actually arriving at it.”

New Year’s Eve and Day, in particular, are “a huge holiday in grief,” she said, especially for people preparing to face their first full year without a loved one.

“New Year’s is very charged,” she said. “If the person died this year, people feel like they’re leaving behind that last year that the person was still living. And if they’ve lost a partner, it can be one of those romantic holidays – everybody’s celebrating and kissing and having parties.”

However, grief does not have to be fresh to be deeply affecting and acutely painful. Losses of loved ones, even from many years ago, may still be front of mind and heart. “Grief doesn’t have a timeline; it’s an ever-evolving experience,” Grosklags said.

She also highlighted that while supporting grievers during the holidays is crucial, they need consistent support throughout the year. It’s also important to remember what she terms “private holidays” in people’s lives: “Maybe the day they got engaged, maybe the day they found out they were pregnant and then had a baby loss. There are many days that we don’t know about that can be so hard.”

Acknowledge loss, and say their name

Especially amid the traditional holiday festivities, it’s important to make space to acknowledge personal grief and intentionally remember the loved one. “One of the cornerstones in my teaching is to say the name of the person,” Grosklags said.

“Always say their name. People will say, ‘I don’t want to bring it up because I don’t want to make them sad and remind them.’ And I’ll say, ‘They have not forgotten that they’ve died.’ You will not ever remind them of that. What you’re reminding them of is that they lived. It is so important … that people remember that their person lived.”

Talking about the person in present tense, rather than past tense, can also feel authentic and help the griever. “Our grief is a reflection of our love,” she said. “When we’re really tapping into our grief, and grieving deeply, it’s because we love deeply, and love is present tense. So it’s not that ‘we loved’ them. It’s ‘we love.'”

Acknowledging a loved one could also include starting new traditions to honor them. For instance, this could involve creating a memorial tree and adding a meaningful decoration each year in their memory.

Another tradition could be lighting a three-wick candle, with one wick representing the past, one the present and one the future. Grosklags, who wrote about this idea in her first book, “A Comforted Heart: An Oncology Psychotherapist’s Perspective on Finding Meaning and Hope During Illness and Loss,” said that in her experience, this is a positive way that grievers of all ages, including small children, can talk and share memories about their loved ones, or say a prayer.

“Light is a universal symbol of comfort, and the three-wick candle can be a focal point for grief at the holidays or even through the whole year,” she said.

Seek simplicity, make space for grief

Grosklags said it’s important for grievers to take conscious steps during the holidays to avoid being overwhelmed and, ideally, to heal and find peace.

It’s also important to feel permission to have loving moments and joy and know that grief and joy can exist in the same space. This may just be a simple joy, she said, like sitting for a moment and enjoying the fireplace with a cup of tea. But it is also OK to appreciate being alive and communing with others, which includes laughing and feeling happiness.

When deciding how – or even whether – to celebrate the holidays, Grosklags advised against attempting to replicate past holidays as they were when the loved one was alive, as that would be impossible and inevitably disappointing.

“Especially the first two years after a significant death, I really encourage people to look for simplicity,” she said. She suggested integrating existing traditions with new ones, like making a traditional dish but eating it at someone else’s house. “Death teaches us that what matters most is being with our people. It’s not the perfect pie and the perfect cake and everything else.”

However, Grosklags said grievers often are reluctant to attend festivities because they worry they will cry and ruin the holiday vibe for others. She said hosts can play an affirming and supportive role.

“When you invite somebody over to your house, whether family or friends, please invite their grief…, because the grief is going to come,” she said. “But if the grief isn’t acknowledged it feels very abandoning and very isolating for the griever.”

She said hosts could say something like, “I know this is a really tough time of year, but you and all of your feelings are invited to the table.” Grosklags said grievers sometimes need explicit permission to feel and express joy, to be told they can cry, to be quiet, or to laugh: “That takes so much pressure off, which is beautiful.”

Ultimately, however, attending holiday gatherings may be too much for the griever, so Grosklags advised having a backup plan: “Creating a safe space for yourself is key, and leaving in the middle of dinner is fine.” She advised the following mantra: “Allow whatever comes today to me, and I will embrace it.”

She reassured that it’s also totally acceptable to decide not to celebrate at all, and to acknowledge that grief has impacted your ability or willingness to mark a holiday.

Grosklags said she knows people heading into their first holiday season after losing someone who are planning to travel out of town or avoid the holidays altogether, and she emphasized that this is completely fine.

She noted that, unfortunately, some grievers do not celebrate because they become too depressed, while others believe that if they suffer more, that means they love more. However, she wanted people to know that suffering and sorrow aren’t necessarily the same thing.

Spending time with people while they were dying and at their last breath in her role as a therapist has given Grosklags deep insight into how greatly people want their loved ones to find happiness even without them. “None of the people at the bedside that I ever worked with, and I have thousands of stories, have ever said to me, ‘I want them to suffer,’” she said.

In fact, the opposite is true.

“I’ve learned from the dying things like, ‘I want my people to always remember me, but I want them to also keep living and find joy again,’” she said. “That is a common theme, which is a beautiful thing to bring to a griever, when they’re feeling guilty about continuing to live.”

Practical advice for grievers

Grosklags shared several additional pieces of advice for grievers.

• Know that your grief is valid no matter who died or how long ago, and whether you are mourning a family member, friend or another important loved one, including a beloved pet.
• Remember that in death, what ends is the physical body. To the griever, the relationship and the love do not end. In fact, love can grow more intense, and honoring and making room for that is indispensable. Grief needs space to be seen, to be heard and to be held.
• Grievers don’t have to navigate their feelings alone. Find at least one trusted person, whether a family member, friend or even neighbor, to talk to. The right person might be someone unexpected. It could include a therapist or a spiritual advisor.
• It’s OK to cry — even in public. Be courageous and allow it. If someone looks askance, name it. Maybe say, “My mom just died. The holidays are really hard.” One hundred percent of people will experience grief, and people will meet that with compassion. It’s also OK to keep your grief private. If it feels better, go sit and cry in the car.
• Protect your mental and physical health. Sleep can be very challenging. Try to rest even if sleep is not possible. Rest includes limiting screen time, since news and even holiday commercials can be activating for grievers.
• Soothe the nervous system. For instance, baths might feel good, or sitting quietly with a cup of tea or relaxing music. If you celebrate, looking at Christmas lights in your house might be soothing. Consider the gentle reminder that these can also bring up sadness, and that isn’t necessarily bad.
• Remember to drink a lot of water. A good cry is incredibly cathartic, but people do not realize it’s also very dehydrating and can cause brain fatigue. Our immune systems are also much more depleted in grief, so hydration is really important.

Many local resources also exist to support grievers, including therapy providers and faith communities. For children and teens, schools may offer resources, including a trusted teacher, counselor or social worker. Local organizations such as the Brighter Days Family Grief Center and The Grief Club of Minnesota can connect grievers with important support and resources, including practical help for legal and financial issues related to loss. Both organizations also offer robust support networks for children, teens and families who are grieving.

Additional options can be found on Eden Prairie Local News’ Mental Health Resources page, which is updated regularly.